I think I finally understand what hollow told me onc about being "comfortably numb". (yes, I know he stole that from Pink Floyd)

After being mindlessly happy for 14 years, I spent 2 years wondering how I could get back to being just like I was then. (but you know all this already)

-I've tried apathy

-I've tried pretending it all away (after all, it worked for 14 years, right?)

Those don't work for me. I realized that now. I am, unfortunatly human, and humans, for survival purposes only are wired to care about what other people think, to care about other people even though rejection is just...unbelieveably painful.

And I believe them now, when they say life is pain, and that I have to get used to it.

I will still probably never understand why people kick others when they're down; it's the idealist in me. Even when I was getting tormented to the point of tears in elementry school, something in me still hoped that I could somehow befriend them, even though it never really happened for me then.

I still want to believe that no one is truly mean, no one really enjoys hurting people, but I always run into the sadists.

And so, I've come to the realization that I am scared shitless that anyone ever really get to know me, even though I say that it's what I want.

Because trusting someone to know you, and not take advantage of inside things, or trusting someone to not just get up and leave, or not to be double faced, it's hard.

And as a result, it is hard to trust.

And so, numbness. As a shield. If they don't know you, they can't hurt you.

Older Stuff:
weird weird dream. - June 18, 2006
jobness! - June 08, 2006
rommate flux - May 29, 2006
- - May 28, 2006
- - May 19, 2006

don't be afraid of the future. it doesn't include you, it only removes you.

It is the duty of every patriot to protect his country from his government."
- Thomas Payne