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All writings on these pages are © Kristina Lee |
Chia's feelin I.... do not understand how I am putting up with everything now. Everything is piled on my shoulders, and I want nothing more than to just collaspe, and let someone else deal with it. CT group- I'm doing all the work, because I was the one that figure out what was needed. I didn't read the chapters I was supposed to, and I don't fucking care. No one cares. Really. No one actually knows me. Everything I feel is internalized now. Stuffing more, and more down. Attempting escapr from....what? my inner demons? The world? Humanity? How strong am I supposed to me? I'm...cracking. How long has it been since I've told an actual person how I've been feeling? Do I even want to? There's just... something that tells me to stuff it all down, don't burden anyone else, and I can't take it anymore! I need an outlet. I need to channel the rage, and the pain, and the hurt, and the suffering, and the stress and every little thing that threatens to overthrown my guise of sanity. I feel like a burden. They don't listen to me. They never listen to me. They can't read me. Same old shit. Same old shit. Same old shit-NOTHING EVER CHANGES! They constantly stomp all over everything I've ever wanted. Questioning me. Doubting me. Telling me that it is not practical for me to persue something I've longed for my whole bloody life They don't understand. They've never felt passionate about anything in their whole life. I feel it everyday. My whole world is passion, everything that moves me. I feel everything deeply. When people don't bother waving back. When people interrupt me when I'm spilling my guts. And this... this computer... this is not enough of an outlet to save me. I will explode. I will do...something. I will disappear, and they will all burn. All their hypocrisys. Each and every time they've urged me on in words and held be back in actions. They've always held me back. Dad dislocated my elbow twice trying to hold me back as a toddler. They are producing an environment that is tearing me apart, and they don't even notice. Chia? Crying? Nooooo, she's a good teenager. She's fine. We don't have to worry about her, only hold her back from everything. Everything...everyone I've ever truly loved has, in some way, been torn from my arms by them. If I do not escape, I will never be truly happy. I will never find love (again). I will never be free to persue my dreams. because essensially, that is what drives me. being free to persue what I will. being free to make my own damn mistake and suffer the consequences if need be.
Older Stuff:
don't be afraid of the future. it doesn't include you, it only removes you.
It is the duty of every patriot to protect his country from his government."
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