This place seems like a long forgotten hidy hole that I've returned to recently without really feeling it.

Anyways, Steve's party went well, together we kept fights from occuring, appeased Steve's mom and stuff from spilling. I must have picked up a fortune in cans and bottles.

For me, this was like some sort of warped flashback to sophmore or freshman year. I sincerely can't remember which. Probably sophmore year, when I used to hang out with Tirza I still remember the first time I saw people partying. I felt totally removed from it, like I wasn't part of it because I wasn't totally wasted and staggering and fucked up.

The difference now is that I partake in the drinking and occasionally the toking, but not to the point where I'm totally out of it and messed up. Then people want to know why I'm not totally fucked up and out of it... I tell them it's because when I first taught myself to drink, or was taught to drink by me English friend, it was on russian vodka, which is pretty fucking stong, and that other stuff doesn't get me that drunk.

and now for something somewhat different

I am profoundly jealous of all the people who are going somewhere after highschool for college. I don't want to be stuck here, and I resent not even having heard from some of the places I applied to.

Yes, I realize it's my own damn fault because I wasted potential and whatnot, but I am jealous just the same. And I hate hearing "Why do you want to leave anyways?" and "It's ok, you can transfer!". I still feel like I'm going to fall though the frigging cracks and just fail at life and everything. When I tell people who ask me what I'm going to to after college this, they say "Awwwwwww, Kristina, don't think like that!". Well, I've seen it happen. I've got a cousin who's been in City as long as I've been in highschool and he still hasn't managed to scrape enough credits together to transfer because he's a slacker too.

Speaking of slackers...

I don't think I'm going to move in with Steve. I love him, I like waking up next to him, but I'd feel trapped. I told him that when he was walking me home, and he understands, even though he protested that he wouldn't trap me, I need to have my own space. That doesn't mean I'm stayinh here. I can't stay here, and this is not just some teenager angst where I hate my parents and want to spite them. I feel like I'm stagnating here and that if I stay here, I will be just like my parents who stayed here. People argue that San Francisco is such a great place to live and that I should want to stay here forever. I think that I just don't appreciate it because I've been here my whole life, and I just need to get away. It's probably a reactive flight response, but I need to grow, I need to find out who exactly I am, (how California... "I need to find myself!") but I really don't think I can do that living with my parents, or living with my boyfriend. That doesn't mean I don't want to see him, I just need to have my own space... a luxury I most likely can't afford.

K	Kind
R	Rare
I	Influential
S	Sexy
T	Tender
I	Important
N	Natural
A	Astonishing

Older Stuff:
weird weird dream. - June 18, 2006
jobness! - June 08, 2006
rommate flux - May 29, 2006
- - May 28, 2006
- - May 19, 2006

don't be afraid of the future. it doesn't include you, it only removes you.

It is the duty of every patriot to protect his country from his government."
- Thomas Payne