Most people would agree that I'm open about my feelings. It's not technically true. I'm open about my thoughts, my opinions, but never what I'm feeling. Why? Because no one ever believes me. Never a "ohhhhh, Kristina, we want to help you! What's wrong? Why do you do this?" Just blank stares.

I'm starting to think I need to create a big public scene, or just utterly waste myself to be noticed. I mean, you can tell people you feel alone, and unloved, and stressed, and half dead and that you want to numb everything. You can tell people that you've started drinking to numb yourself from the world, and all you get is a halfhearted and dispassionate "Oh, don't do that...". You can tell "friends" that your new goal in life is to becom and alcoholic, and no one will bat an eye.

When people commit suicide, the survivors always suddenly realize what was going on, and lament that they didn't do anything to help.

"If only she/he had said something! We could have helped her/him!"

I think my biggest problem with everyone is that no one seems to be able to connect the dots. No one sees past me when I'm being furtive, no one believes me when I'm being open. What am I supposed to do?

So you can't see past the opinions into the person saying them?

Threats don't bother you?

I'm too repressed around the majority of my peers. I've become everything I hate by bottling everything up, and I've somehow convinced myself that if just one person would take a genuine interest in how I was feeling, it would save me from myself.

Once again, feeling betrays me. I love too much, hurt too much, feel the pins and needles too deeply.

I've become too stable. Everytime I want to dig my nails into my flesh and just tear, I stuff it down.

Everytime I want to just scream out in anguish of everything, I stuff it down again.

Everytime I sit at my computer trying to reach out to... what? someone? something? It's just nothing again, and I lean on my crutch once more.

Select people reach out, and I placate them with falsities and a winning smile.

"she always seemed so happy..."

10:38 pm

Kristina has just taken double the amount of Nyquil she normally does! Let's watch and see what happens!

Older Stuff:
i'm a chargin mah laz0rz. - September 30, 2008
the summertime blues - June 21, 2008
my life so far - March 22, 2008
empty pockets - February 19, 2008
speech pattern changes - March 12, 2007

don't be afraid of the future. it doesn't include you, it only removes you.

It is the duty of every patriot to protect his country from his government."
- Thomas Payne